Dealing with difficult behaviors

Most of us who live with a family member who suffered a TBI are dealing with some form of their impaired memory. At the beginning of their recovery, it is difficult to know the extensiveness of the impairment. In time, a lot of healing will take place and may even take several years. During that time the whole family will learn how to compensate for the deficit. Many will return to activities and jobs and a normal family life. For some of us who take care of a TBI it is a totally different story. It took a year for my daughter to physically recover most of her physical problems. Loss of her short term memory and social skills has been more difficult to deal with. Her long term memory seems to be in place but without a short term memory there is no way to access it. So social skills are not available and we must constantly remind her of what is and is not appropriate behavior. It very difficult to teach a person new and appropriate behavior when the memory is about two minutes long. We have tried many different strategies during the time she has been living with us and nothing seemed to work. Often it felt as if her rebellious nature and natural stubbornness were getting in the way. Although, she had lost so much of “whom” she used to be, this could be the only way she has any control of her life. So finding a consequence for the inappropriate behaviors that would make an impact on her has been very frustrating. My son finally came up with an idea, and, it seems to be helping, at least at home. When the behavior is inappropriate at home she gets two warnings, explaining the behavior that is unacceptable and the third time she will be sent outside for an indefinite period of time. So far, we explain the consequences and she will change or stop the behavior. Now, I am looking for some way to remind her when we are out without being so obvious to those around us. If you have ideas please send them to me. I really dread taking her out at times because it almost seems she knows I am more vulnerable and will give in rather then have her suffer a consequence that is immediate. Help!!

Kittens-Feelings and a Walk

Its an early Sunday morning and cold. Had to get up and check our new additions three new kittens. A somewhat feral cat I have been taking care of decided under my stairs would be the safest place for them, but not for our studio. Now they live in my bathroom which mom didn't like and took one and escaped to the big out doors. That left me with three in and one out in the bushes, well I brought it back, but she later took another one. It is still out and I wonder if it survived. That leaves me to now. I did'nt want to go back to bed and wanted something hot to drink so heated up a half cup of milk put a little coffee on top and tne memories flooded over me. I was taken back to when I was a little girl and hated milk so my father would take some of his coffee and put it in my milk and I thought it was the best thing I ever had. Some memories leave you with such warm feeling, what a way to start a day. We have our "Freedom House" board meeting on the 25th, and are planning a mile and a half walk in March. We share the money we make, and use our portion to support our mailings and supplies to help get us started. I well keep it posted when I have more information. Hope you all have a great day I know I will.

"Living With A Brain Injured family member"

This can have many challenges, and some very poignant moments. Last night was one of those moments. My daughter had just finished her dinner and came to join me at the sink in the kitchen to watch the sunset. She looked so vunerable, that I could only turn to her and say "I love you Pia". She gave me a big smile, and I said, " I wonder if you would be happier too". She responder, "Mom, I am happy!" At a moment like this I could only feel teary and no matter what I will always hope she can be happy. Many of us take these moments and build our hope on them. I do that too, but know that she still has a long way to go and I will have to practice my letting go skills, as one day she must move on and be on her own, and I will not be there for her. That is a lot of my motivation to find funding for a non-profit organization ,Freedom House, to have homes for our tramatic brain injured family member. A place where they can live in a family atmosphere for the rest of there lives. If anyone who reads this and has ideas that we can use or want to donate time to our cause we would love to hear from you. I will continue with this to present our needs to you and the kind of help we need. Have a great day its beautiful on my end hope yours is too. Bev T.
,

A Home for Pia "Freedom House"

"Yesterday" showed what a new BLOGGER I am. I let my lap top run on NO battery and it shut me down!! Oh well, to continue, after stopping my meds I have been able to under stand my depression and have worked through the thoughts that I could not deal with. Today I can face situations and know that I could feel sad, but do not need to. I accept it is part of my past and have grown beyound those feelings. They can no long interfer with my life. It may sound simplistic, but it works for me. And , I am back to my enegetic thinking self. I am now ready to take on the challenge of helping to build a non-profit buisness "Freedom House" where we can build homes that will be forever homes, if it is needed, for those with a brain injury. Families grow older too, and cannot, in many cases, continue the care of a brain injureded person. As of now, there are very few homes for the TBI and the cost is prohibitive. A few start at $5000 a month, but more likely $10,000+. We are working to change this for everyone who will need a home that is affodable. We will need a lot of help and ask those who can and want to become involved let us know. We will soon have our own blog up for Freedom House so I will continue to use my bolog to keep everyone informed. Have a great week end!!

A home for Pia

After 5 years of dealing with my daughters brain injury, my husbands death, and dealing with his co. bankrupsy I began to cry over the the smallest issue. And it did not have to be connected to me. A dead animal by the side of the road, music that I love, sad movies, and the loss of a job due to the closure of our program. I had to"stuff"' my emotions and deal with it. I had to be strong! My doctor finally put me on anti depressents after the tears began to interfere with my job. I could now deal with all of thee issues and not fall apart. This gave me a chance to understand, and work through my feelings. We as family care givers dont always want to accept that we also need help. and so week ago I decided to not fill my pescription. I wanted to see if I was now in control of these emotion which I felt were situational due to the tramas I had delt with.

A HOME FOR BRAIN INJURED ADULTS'

PIA

It has been ten years since the incident that caused my daughter to lose her short term memory.

It still feels like yesterday when I was called by a hospital and told she had been found face down on the beach, not breathing.

This came about after a night of having a great time in Tijuana drinking and dancing. She drove back home, picking up her wet suit and tanks to go diving. When she arrived at the beach, the life guard refused to let her go in the water. We can only believe that she went down the beach, passed out from the heat and alcohol in her system - a dangerous combination that impacted not only her life, but her whole family.

The doctors gave us little hope of recovering her memory. With help she does have her long term memories but cannot access them without that help. Short term remains in the moment. Pia can do most of her personal grooming and other activities but must be supervised. Due to this condition, it is hard to place her in any facility other than a nursing home where there is supervision.
For now, she lives with me, she is secure and happy and seems to have no desire to wander out on her own. But the family must plan most activities around her disability, and this does cause conflicts between members.
The biggest problem for a family is the resentment and the guilt. The resentment comes because this person has laid great burden on their independent lives, and the guilt is the individual’s for feeling that way. Every family lives with these two overriding emotions, and they never go away.

Laughter is important - you can’t always cry. To survive, you must find some balance. You try to live in the moment, not thinking of what-ifs or what could have been. She has become more independent, more helpful when asked to do odd jobs around the house. We still have times when she has insight and can talk about her past, but it’s very transient. She needs supervision for some things as she loses her train of thought and will half finish work. Generally she is cooperative, but occasionally the other side rears itself and she will say “I don’t want to” to everything. Most of the time, however, she wants to help with whatever we are doing. I find a Diet Pepsi works wonders when she doesn’t want to do something.

Mine is a whole different story.

Before her accident, I was a wife, woman, and psychologist with a career looking toward retirement. My life took a turn that I could not change. The unexpected can be very frightening; not knowing how my daughter would be once out of the coma, doctors telling me there was little they could do, when I just wanted some hope. I could not take her home when she was discharged as I had a full time job. A friend volunteered to take her, but Pia’s mental and physical problems were more then she could deal with. I took her home where my husband could watch her during the day. I was able to continue working for the next year. My husband was not well during this time. To make matters worse, he then had an accident from which he did not survive. I now had to find help for Pia and continue to work. These were difficult times complicated by her lack of memory and wandering when left unsupervised. I finally found another job in a Health Day Care where she could go to work with me, it was a secured program: no leaving allowed! I retired after three years working in the new program and now Pia is living with me full time. I continue to work with her on memory and personal skills.

Taking care of anyone with physical and mental problems is a daunting task when you look at “your” future, especially, looking down the road of aging and your own personal health problems. None of us would have chosen this path for ourselves, and cannot perceive a family member taking on the challenge when we are no longer able. I have felt all the frustration and anger at this person who has left me with such an indomitable task.
It has put the rest of my life on hold, and to be honest, I do resent it. But I am a mother first and a care giver second, so I bottle up my feelings and deal with it.

I know that all of us who have or are living with a brain injured individual know what we as a group face every day. I had decided it was time to do something about our plight, so my friend Donna and I decided to form a non-profit organization “Freedom House.” We are working very hard to find a permanent solution by opening homes for these individuals, and for our peace of mind. It will take time, but it will happen.
I would like I to hear from anyone with similar problems so we can share ideas and help each other find solutions that work, or not, for you.
I will continue my updates on Freedom House a work in progress